Grief

There is no easy way to talk about this, or to process what is actually going on, but I know that somehow writing can be therapeutic for me, and I know there are some people who would like to know what's going on in our lives, so I will try to explain.

On December 28, just a few weeks ago, I received one of the happiest phone calls of my life.  A birthmother working with our agency had chosen Jonathan and I to parent her unborn child, and a little baby boy would be born a week and a half later.  We could barely contain our excitement, and were relieved that God was finally answering our prayers.  After the birth mothers c-section was rescheduled twice, we were finally given a birth date of January 18th.  I took the day off of work, and Jonathan and I paced around waiting to hear that we had finally become parents.  We got the phone call and rejoiced over the sweet life that entered this world at 11:13 a.m. weighing 8 lbs and 1 ounce.  We named him Isaiah and we instantly loved him.  We could not take our eyes off every picture we saw.  I found myself waking up in the middle of the night to stare at his little chin and chubby face. 

Knowing the birth mother had 10 days from the 19th of January to reverse her decision, we waited, our arms aching to hold our precious child.  For 7 days, we joyed over every little detail, memorized every little dimple and chatted non-stop about hearing him hiccup on one of our daily phone calls.  The caretaker would call and lay the phone down next to Isaiah, and we would coo his name and tell him we loved him and we were praying for him and that we could not wait to meet him.  We were deliriously happy. 

Last Thursday, I decided to check in with the case worker to see how the birth mother was doing.  The text I got back indicated that the birth mom was having a hard day and asked for prayer.  I felt a familiar ache in my heart for this woman as I thought back over how my joy was so completely woven together with her sadness.  I prayed and as the day went on, I began to become uncomfortably nervous.  The case workers texts began to sound as if the birth mother was not just having  a bad day, she was thinking of changing her mind.   After nearly 5 hours agonizing over the conversation that was happening between the case worker and birth mother, I got the worst call of my life.  The birth mother had changed her mind, and Jonathan and I would no longer be adopting this baby. 

I cannot even begin to describe to you what it feels like to have a son, to name him, to be called his mother, to love him so desperately, and then to be told that he is no longer yours.

Grief is not unfamiliar to me.  Grieving a baby is also not unfamiliar to me.  What is so strange about this time, is that we are not grieving a death, we are grieving the death of a relationship.  We are grieving what could have been. 

I do not even know what he is called now.  Has she renamed him?  More than likely Isaiah will never know that I existed, or that I loved him so deeply.  Is that fair?  Is it worth it?  Although we knew in theory that this could happen, we could not prepare for the emotional turmoil it would cause. 

As is my tendency, I have to find God in everything.  He is there in the good, and He is definitely there in the bad.  I do not know how people survive life, and especially trauma, without Jesus.  After I miscarried our first child, three and a half years ago, my Bible became tear stained in Lamentations 3.  Lament literally means "a cry of sorrow; grief."  This weekend I turned to this ever familiar passage to yet again find comfort and meaning amidst the storm of grief. The prophet talks about the anguish the Lord has caused but he does not forget that there is hope...
                                            
¹⁸ And I said, “My strength and my hope

Have perished from the Lord.”

¹⁹ Remember my affliction and roaming,
The wormwood and the gall.
²⁰ My soul still remembers
And sinks within me.
²¹ This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have hope.

²² Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
²³ They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
²⁴ “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“Therefore I hope in Him!”

²⁵ The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,
To the soul who seeks Him.
²⁶ It is good that one should hope and wait quietly
For the salvation of the Lord.
²⁷ It is good for a man to bear
The yoke in his youth.

²⁸ Let him sit alone and keep silent,
Because God has laid it on him;
²⁹ Let him put his mouth in the dust—
There may yet be hope.
³⁰ Let him give his cheek to the one who strikes him,
And be full of reproach.

³¹ For the Lord will not cast off forever.
³² Though He causes grief,
Yet He will show compassion
According to the multitude of His mercies.
³³ For He does not afflict willingly,
Nor grieve the children of men.

³⁴ To crush under one’s feet
All the prisoners of the earth,
³⁵ To turn aside the justice due a man
Before the face of the Most High,
³⁶ Or subvert a man in his cause—
The Lord does not approve.

³⁷ Who is he who speaks and it comes to pass,
When the Lord has not commanded it?
³⁸ Is it not from the mouth of the Most High
That woe and well-being proceed?

I do not really know where we go from here.  As grief takes it's course, I feel old.  I feel like I have been hit hard in the stomach, and my vision is still blurry.  So I think we do what we have to do.  We press on.  In my heart, I had to give Isaiah back to his birth mother.  He was never truly mine.  I know that the Lord will heal my heart in time.  So, I will return to my knees, because His mercies are new every morning.  

Orphan Sunday 2012

I didn't realize this until this afternoon, but today is the "official" Orphan Sunday 2012.   As we wait for that joyous call that we have been matched, we have not forgotten the command to care for the orphans and fatherless of this world.  Join us today in remembering the condition of the orphans and praising the One who did not leave us as orphans but came to us.

Joy in the journey

This time last year we were contacting home study agencies to start the process of growing our family through adoption.  Now as I sit here on a snowy Saturday morning reading through my posts from the last 12 months, I can't believe we are still waiting.  I think it's okay to admit there is some weariness that has crept up on us as we continue to pray and seek and desperately long to cradle those babies of ours that we have yet to meet. 

As we continue to wait, I cling to what I know to be true.  I know that the Lord is good (Psalms 107:1 "Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever.").  I know he cares about me (1 Peter 5:7 "Casting all your care upon on Him, for He cares for you.").  I know that He is guiding us (Proverbs 16:9 "A man's heart plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps"). 

There are so many tangible and intangible lessons that He has taught me throughout this year.  One of the most obvious is that He is a God who provides.  We are fully funded for the agency fees (if we are still matched through An Open Door Adoption Agency).  There is no other way around it but to know that God is the one who orchestrated that.  The thought hit me recently that a prayer of mine when we started the adoption process was that we would be able to adopt debt free.  In my readiness to accuse the Lord of not answering our prayers to be matched with a birthmom, I had totally neglected to remember He was answering my earlier prayer to adopt debt free.  The adoption fee itself is a larger amount than I make in a year at my job.  Isn't that incredible? 

Another joy that I may not have experienced if things had happened on my timeline is our Adoptive Mom's group.  We have met a couple of times and talked about our personal adoption experiences as well as ways to get the church more involved in supporting adoption and orphan care.  These ladies are such a blessing in my life, and it has been so good for me to talk realistically about adoption in a safe environment. 

In my own time with the Lord, I have learned so much about trusting, waiting and trusting some more.  I have been convicted about my motivations toward adoption, purposefulness in responding to the call to care for the fatherless of the world, and so many other lessons.  He has taken so much of the sting of infertility out of my heart.  He has shown me the silver lining.  The joy in the journey.  "I will sing of your mercy that leads through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy."

Where are we now in the process?  Still waiting.  And waiting some more.  We have prayed and agonized over whether to submit our profile to a second agency.  After finally deciding to look into it, we have hit wall after wall with every other agency we have talked to.  If it had been this hard to choose an agency the first time around, I don't  know if we would have had the patience to continue looking.  The Lord may be telling us to just sit tight with our current agency.  Or, the perfect second agency may just require a little more looking and a little more patience on our part. 

If you think of us, pray for clarity and patience as we wait.  Pray for joy in the journey. :)

Adoption/Anniversary Photo Shoot

Josh, Jonathan's youngest brother, is in town with us for a few days and among a multitude of other talents, he is an amazing photographer.  He is 8 years younger than Jonathan so Josh basically grew up in Haiti.  He can cook, play the guitar, fly a plane and take a professional photograph.  He will literally be working as a photographer his senior year of high school - cool or what?  Oh, and the plane flying, that's not just a hobby.  He plans to train to become a Missionary Aviation Pilot at Moody Bible Institute after he graduates high school.  So, to say the least, when Josh is around, Jonathan and I are both in awe. 

Last night we decided it was time to try out Josh's new lens.  It became very evident to me when I was putting together our life book that Jonathan and I don't have any great pictures since our wedding.  I've also been itching to do some cool Adoption type shots.  I won't be doing a maternity shoot (obviously), so this was kind of what the adoption version of that would be.  We are also gearing up to celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary next month!  Here are a few from the shoot...enjoy!

If you need a photographer, check out Josh's facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/5thWorldPhoto, or email him at josh.5thworldphoto@gmail.com!

There's nothing my God cannot do!

We are in complete shock.  Today I got one of the most amazing and humbling emails I have ever received.  What it said has nothing to do with anything good in Jonathan or I, but it has everything to do with how mighty, powerful and good God is.  We found out today that we were awarded a $10,000 grant from the JSC Foundation!!!!!  No, you are not reading that wrong, $10,000!!!!  OUR GOD IS SO BIG, SO STRONG AND SO MIGHTY, THERE'S NOTHING OUR GOD CANNOT DO!!  We do not share the number to boast about how blessed we are, but to boast about what a great God we serve.  When we started this process we knew that we could not raise the money for the adoption.  We knew that we couldn't, but God could and we've been trusting Him for a mighty provision month by month and day by day.  In our imperfect nature, we have been impatient and we have grown weary but what a drink of cool water this news is for our souls.  We are now two-thirds of the way funded.  Thank you Jesus.

The LORD has done great things for us,and we are filled with joy! Psalms 126:3

I can't believe it's been a month since my last post!  There haven't been many changes...we are still just waiting to get matched.  Thankfully the time has really flown by and we've been able to do some fun things in the meantime.  

Last weekend we went to the Kids For Kyla event where Jonathan and I and another couple who are also adopting were awarded the first ever Kids for Kyla adoption grants.  It was such a fun evening, and we even got a big check out of the deal (literally).

We had a good laugh trying to get the check into the car.  With some strategic thinking, we finally got it in a better position than this, otherwise it would have been a long (and funny) trip back to Nebraska.  

We are so blessed and thankful for the Lord's provision and timing in all of this.  It was such a neat experience to be part of the Kids for Kyla evening.  We were very touched by the story of the other couple who were awarded a grant (Kelly and Nick).  If you have a heart for international adoption, check out their blog here.  God has put many people in our paths that we would not have met otherwise and we are thankful for every opportunity to learn more about adoption and partner in prayer with others who are on the adoption journey.  

Kelly and I talked about a book called The Connected Child when we were at the event.  I had not read it, but had heard a little about it because of one of the grants we looked into.  I am about a quarter of the way through it now and have been very impressed by the practical advice and approach to parenting an adopted child.  If you're interested, here is a link with some more information.  

Here are some prayer requests for us in the coming month:  

1. Patience as the wait is starting to wear on us a little bit.  I jump at any call from an unfamiliar area code hoping it is THE call.  :)

2. The Lord's provision for the adoption.  We are little over a quarter of the way funded so far (Praise the Lord!)

3. Wisdom in making commitments and planning for our future.

Thank you all for your interest in staying updated with us.  We are so grateful for your support and encouragement!



 

Kids for Kyla

While we are waiting for that call saying we've been matched with a birthmother, Jonathan and I have been praying for provision and applying for grants to fund the adoption.  This week we learned that we were chosen by Kids for Kyla as one of their first ever families to be awarded an adoption grant through their organization!  We were awarded one grant and one matching grant - so cool! We are so blessed by the way the Lord has chosen to provide for the funds needed for the adoption and are thankful for Kids for Kyla! 

Kids for Kyla is going to be hosting a silent auction event on Saturday April 7th in Greeley where they will talk about the first grants they are awarding, both to Jonathan and I and to another couple.  If you are interested in going to this event with us, please let us know by March 20th as we have been given the opportunity to purchase discounted tickets for friends and family. 

Also, check out the Kids for Kyla website here, Kids for Kyla.